I'm back in Utah and things are going well! I'm taking one class, ta-ing another and am auditioning for a show this weekend. I've been in one film shoot already, and just did a modeling shoot! Fun! I have so much to be grateful for and have so many reasons to be happy! Just today I went sailing with some of my best friends in the world. We spent all day on the boat and I even learned how to "tack". Cool. And we're planning on going camping and going out on the boat again and maybe going to Moab before school really starts up again in the fall. Things are great in my life. My family is healthy and happy and would do anything for me. My friends are some of the most amazing friends I could ever ask for. I have so many amazing opportunities like going to London and ta-ing under an amazing professor like Barta Heiner. I'm in the major of my dreams and my life is good.
BUt things are still so hard. I find myself working as hard as I can day in and day out to just survive. I feel like I'm gripping onto my life and my happiness with only the tips of my fingers and it's hurting. It's hurting so much. I'm doing everything I can to focus on what I should focus on and I'm trying to be a good person, and good friend, a good daughter of God, but I still am hurting. I feel like the pain never lets up. Sometimes I seem to forget about it for a hour at a time... or a day or two at a time.... but it's still there... in the background.. always. I don't really know why I'm writing all this... but I guess I just need to get it all out.
I feel like I have all this love to give and no one wants it. It's so hard to just sit and wait for the future and the love that I'm hoping for and have been been promised. It's so hard. And the thing is is that I know I'm not the only person feeling like this. I'm not the only one. SOmetimes I get really hard on myself for being ungrateful and pesimistic. But... actually. Life is just hard sometimes. It's full of pain sometimes. Sometimes there are months and years that are all about just surviving... surviving until the sun comes out again. And basking in the little bits of sun light that happen to hit your face every once and a while. It's about looking for the little gifts that you're given each day... no matter how small they are.
Life is hard right now... surviving is hard... loving people can be hard... it can hurt. Surviving is so hard. But I'm surviving. And maybe that's all that's being asked of me right now. To survive and have faith that it will get better. I can do that. Somebody out there thinks that I'm worth it. I know my Heavenly Father does. That's amazing in and of itself: to know that God loves you and thinks you're worth it. Most people don't know that. So you know what... I can survive. I'll do it. That's what's being asked of me right now, so I'm going to do it. I can.
I can. Ok.
To anyone who might be reading this....please don't stop holding on. If it means anything... I think you're worth it.