so... today was rough. Selena- thank you so much for your advice! stress is a HUGE factor and I am doing everything I can to take away as much of it as I can.

The depression factor was pretty high today. Is high today. I'm sick of feeling sick all the time. I hate being to weak that I have to sit down and catch my breath after going up a set of stairs. They say when you are diagnosed with a life changing disease or something like it that you go through all of the stages of grief. I believe that and I see myself going through them but it feels too dramatic. I don't feel like RA is a worthy reason to be dealing with grief. That's for people who have lost a loved one or... ug. Im too tired to think of another example right now. I just feel like the life I have been planning on is slipping through my fingers and I'm scared and I feel lonely and I feel myself withdrawing from my friends and most importantly my family. And I see it happening and then I don't do anything about it, even though I want to soooo bad. And now it's 11:38 pm and I'm sitting alone in my room... in my bed... exhausted and heartbroken... and I have no idea why. everything just hurts all over. every joint and muscle and I'm just so so tired. Uggg... I just feel so dramatic. people deal with things so so so much worse in life and here I am sinking in my RA. ok. that's enough venting for one night.

But selena-- THANK YOU for your note! Hearing from fellow RA people always is wonderful esp when their one of my best friends. You give me hope. Im going to get better and get to where you are! Thanks. I love you.

Ok... good night all. Let's all work to remember all that we have to be grateful for! I know I need to focus on it more. I have so so so much to be grateful for!

RA

alrighty..

so in my last post I talked about being diagnosed with RA, or Rheumatoid Arthritis. Fun! I've decided that I'm going to start keeping my own personal little "living with RA journal" up here and maybe... if by some miracle somebody else reads this blog besides my parents... eventually I will start to connect with other people who are dealing with RA or other fun diseases.

So... I apologize up front if I sound whiny or dramatic.. but this is going to be the place where I let it all out and we'll see if I like doing it.. and if it is helpful to me at all.

ok. here we go

so today... the thing that is most frustrating is that I can't do little things anymore that I never used to think about. I'm always tired. Forget running or playing anymore... I get tired standing in the shower because my knees hurt so much. Putting on lotion or clipping my finger nails hurt so much and I never even thought about those things before.. or how often I do them.

I just hate how hard it is to do the tiniest littlest things now. it drives me insane. I think that is what is most depressing.

So... for now.. I will keep muscling through the difficult standing, lotion applying and medicine opening tasks that stand in my way each day! woo. it'll get better. It has to.