this year has been rough. I lost my first true real love.... dramatic I know, but what can I say, it's a toughy and it's inevitable. Then, about 5 months ago I was diagnosed with endometriosis and had to have surgery on my ovaries- YAY. ha. I am in a chemically induced form of menopause and have hot flashes on campus! sooo normal for a college student.
And now this. RA. It's not the end of the world. They have great ways for dealing with it now and I am constantly assured that I can live a normal life with it. And I believe this. I know it. But it does change things dramatically. Thanks to the heavy steroids I can now walk and dress myself again. I can sit on the toilet without having to let myself just kind of ... fall on to it. And the pain is very minimal nearly all of the time.
However, the drug that they treat it with is chemotherapy. Another very scary word to hear anytime in your life. It's not so bad. It's an oral dose that I take once a week and it only makes me feel sick for about two days. But ... I don't really have much of an appetite anymore. Hey! Maybe I can lose some of this weight I've put on just sitting around being sick the past few months. HA.
All joking aside though... this is really hard for me. It is scary. I am afraid that I won't live a normal life. That no one will want such a broken person. That I will be too much of a burden of my family and friends and FUTURE family. I feel alone a lot of the time, and scared and angry... and mostly just tired. Tired literally, and tired emotionally. It takes such a toll. On me, but also on my friends and ESPECIALLY my family (mainly my parents). they have been coming out here every couple of weeks taking turns helping me with doctors appointments and medicines while the other stays at all to take care of my younger brothers. Not to mention my sister who always seems to get over looked while all of her strange and sickly siblings need our parents attention. She doesn't act like it hurts her but I know it must.
I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I am no longer what you would call a "healthy" person. I am on chemo... walk funny whenever it rains and will probably have a histerechtomy (sp?) within the next couple of years. THINGS ARE NOT ALL BAD THOUGH! not at all. THis is manageable and I have the most wonderful support system. my parents are perfect. They do everything they can for me and each of their children. My siblings are wonderful. Mike is going through harder things than ANYONE should ever have to go through and yet he still calls ME to check on me. Eric is only 13 and he is my best medicine. He can always make me laugh. Lisa.... oh lisa. She and I have had the most complicated relationship known to man! ha. But through it all I never doubt that she cares for me and puts me and others before herself. What a hard thing it must be to be the "healthy child". It just means you don't get as much time devoted to you. And she has had her share of struggles. Ones that I pray I never have to face. But she always handles them with grace and beauty. I look up to her so much, especially in times like this... when life is hard. If anyone knows how to grin and bare it it is her. I hope she knows how much I love her.
my roommates. Oh my roommates. They aren't even roommates. They are as much my family as anyone on this earth. Emy and Nat have been through it all with me. Living with me. Listening to me cry at night, laughing with me at all of our crazy roommates that we've had over the years. And most of all taking care of me. they are the two people who take care of me everyday and I will be forever indebted to them.
But most of all, on a night like this when my knees hurt and my wrists hurt and I feel so sick to my stomach that I haven't eaten anything all day, I have to say to my Heavenly Father and also to my Savior, thankyou. thankyou. It is so worth it. because even though these things all seem hard now I know that they are small and that I am constantly being carried. They wouldn't let me walk if I wanted to right now. :) My Father in Heaven knows me so well. He knows all of us and He loves us and that makes everything else small. It makes everything simple.
These things are just little battles. We face them everyday... whether it is being caught in traffic... not having enough cash to pay the bills one month... scratching the side of your car up against your tiny tiny garage... starting chemotherapy. they are all small battle. little ones. Ones that we are not asked to go through alone.
I love praying over the little things... like help with a test, or help finding a shoe. I mean of course I pray for the big things too but how incredible is it that there is an ALMIGHTY BEING out there that controls the whole universe and yet is still willing and anxious to help me find my shoe. That is proof of real love.
Ok, this post is just all over the place. I know I have been rambling. But I just want to say that I am ready to start this new life. I am scared. I am nervous. I am excited for the good things that I know are coming in my future, and I love my God and His willingness to take care of me and put so many of His angels and miracles in my life every day. Don't overlook those small miracles. Don't overlook the angels god has placed in your path. Don't get blinded by the big scary things in life that really are just.... little battles.
So again, I say to my Heavenly Father, and to all who are in my life,
thank you. Thank you.