today

So I went to nauvoo with my family this past weekend. We went to see my sister dance. She was wonderful and gorgeous and graceful as always... and I was stuck in a wheelchair. My RA was worse in the humidity and I hurt so so much. And my family was perfect. They took turns pushing me around. They helped me get dressed. They dealt with me when i was short with them. I was so short with them. I hated my mom trying to put her hands on my arms and back to help me walk from a chair to my wheelchair. I hated my dad constantly telling me that it was going to get better. I hated that I couldn't do a single thing on my own. Not one thing. I hated that I wasn't up there dancing with my sister like I should be. And I hated... I hated that I was so frustrated with my parents. They just wanted to help me. They are my parents. I am their baby. All they wanted to do was help their baby who is sick and I was frustrated. I just hate that I actually do need their help. I am their baby and I know that all they wanted was to hold their baby, and all I really wanted was to have my parents hold me. I need everything a baby needs right now and they need to be able to give it. It is the only way that all of this is going to get easier for everyone. I'll get there. I need to be ok with it. Mostly I need to figure out how to apologize to them. I need to apologize for treating them poorly and for getting irritated and I have no idea how to do that yet. I can't even really talk to them right now. The past two days I have sat in my bed and I haven't been able to talk to them because I have still been irritated with how they hovered and I don't want to have to answer more questions about the nausea and the pain and the weakness. But I know I need to talk to them again. And I know I need to apologize and allow them to hold me. That is what we all need. So I'm going to figure out how to say it.

If anyone has any ideas ... I'm all ears.