hurting all the time

I hurt all the time. All the time.

But I have really been focusing on seeing all of my talents and gifts and struggles as callings and opportunities to serve the Lord and His children.

I know that sometimes it hurts too much to even get out of bed. But when you're hurting, go find someone else who is hurting. You will help more people than just that person. You'll help yourself. Heavenly Father will lighten your load, even if it's just a little bit. You will hurt less. In more ways than one. You will hurt less.

lonliness

We've all felt lonely before. We all have had those awful awful nights that last forever. Those bad days... bad years. Everybody has them. But I have to remind myself that just because everybody feels that way, it doesn't mean that may bad nights, bad days, and bad years are any less real or important.

RA makes you feel lonely. it ages you, alienates you, physically beats you. it's made me into one of those sick people that everybody feels bad for but that no one really knows how to touch or help. More than anything, it takes control of my emotions and makes me feel like everything I am feeling is 100 times worse than it actually is. it's so terribly painful. the emotions are so strong that they make my body ache.... which sucks... because it already does ache. BECAUSE I HAVE RA!

I feel alone today. and sad. I guess I just wanted to put that somewhere. so now I have. I hope that somebody will read this and know that atleast I know how they feel.

today

So I went to nauvoo with my family this past weekend. We went to see my sister dance. She was wonderful and gorgeous and graceful as always... and I was stuck in a wheelchair. My RA was worse in the humidity and I hurt so so much. And my family was perfect. They took turns pushing me around. They helped me get dressed. They dealt with me when i was short with them. I was so short with them. I hated my mom trying to put her hands on my arms and back to help me walk from a chair to my wheelchair. I hated my dad constantly telling me that it was going to get better. I hated that I couldn't do a single thing on my own. Not one thing. I hated that I wasn't up there dancing with my sister like I should be. And I hated... I hated that I was so frustrated with my parents. They just wanted to help me. They are my parents. I am their baby. All they wanted to do was help their baby who is sick and I was frustrated. I just hate that I actually do need their help. I am their baby and I know that all they wanted was to hold their baby, and all I really wanted was to have my parents hold me. I need everything a baby needs right now and they need to be able to give it. It is the only way that all of this is going to get easier for everyone. I'll get there. I need to be ok with it. Mostly I need to figure out how to apologize to them. I need to apologize for treating them poorly and for getting irritated and I have no idea how to do that yet. I can't even really talk to them right now. The past two days I have sat in my bed and I haven't been able to talk to them because I have still been irritated with how they hovered and I don't want to have to answer more questions about the nausea and the pain and the weakness. But I know I need to talk to them again. And I know I need to apologize and allow them to hold me. That is what we all need. So I'm going to figure out how to say it.

If anyone has any ideas ... I'm all ears.

so... today was rough. Selena- thank you so much for your advice! stress is a HUGE factor and I am doing everything I can to take away as much of it as I can.

The depression factor was pretty high today. Is high today. I'm sick of feeling sick all the time. I hate being to weak that I have to sit down and catch my breath after going up a set of stairs. They say when you are diagnosed with a life changing disease or something like it that you go through all of the stages of grief. I believe that and I see myself going through them but it feels too dramatic. I don't feel like RA is a worthy reason to be dealing with grief. That's for people who have lost a loved one or... ug. Im too tired to think of another example right now. I just feel like the life I have been planning on is slipping through my fingers and I'm scared and I feel lonely and I feel myself withdrawing from my friends and most importantly my family. And I see it happening and then I don't do anything about it, even though I want to soooo bad. And now it's 11:38 pm and I'm sitting alone in my room... in my bed... exhausted and heartbroken... and I have no idea why. everything just hurts all over. every joint and muscle and I'm just so so tired. Uggg... I just feel so dramatic. people deal with things so so so much worse in life and here I am sinking in my RA. ok. that's enough venting for one night.

But selena-- THANK YOU for your note! Hearing from fellow RA people always is wonderful esp when their one of my best friends. You give me hope. Im going to get better and get to where you are! Thanks. I love you.

Ok... good night all. Let's all work to remember all that we have to be grateful for! I know I need to focus on it more. I have so so so much to be grateful for!

RA

alrighty..

so in my last post I talked about being diagnosed with RA, or Rheumatoid Arthritis. Fun! I've decided that I'm going to start keeping my own personal little "living with RA journal" up here and maybe... if by some miracle somebody else reads this blog besides my parents... eventually I will start to connect with other people who are dealing with RA or other fun diseases.

So... I apologize up front if I sound whiny or dramatic.. but this is going to be the place where I let it all out and we'll see if I like doing it.. and if it is helpful to me at all.

ok. here we go

so today... the thing that is most frustrating is that I can't do little things anymore that I never used to think about. I'm always tired. Forget running or playing anymore... I get tired standing in the shower because my knees hurt so much. Putting on lotion or clipping my finger nails hurt so much and I never even thought about those things before.. or how often I do them.

I just hate how hard it is to do the tiniest littlest things now. it drives me insane. I think that is what is most depressing.

So... for now.. I will keep muscling through the difficult standing, lotion applying and medicine opening tasks that stand in my way each day! woo. it'll get better. It has to.

the little battles

so. very few people know, but I have just been diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. (that's a bitch of a word to spell by the way.. .. pardon the language). This is an auto immune disease that has no cure and is degenerative. Basically, my body is fighting itself and eating away at my joints. NOT a fun diagnosis to hear from your doctor 8 days before your 23 birthday.

this year has been rough. I lost my first true real love.... dramatic I know, but what can I say, it's a toughy and it's inevitable. Then, about 5 months ago I was diagnosed with endometriosis and had to have surgery on my ovaries- YAY. ha. I am in a chemically induced form of menopause and have hot flashes on campus! sooo normal for a college student.

And now this. RA. It's not the end of the world. They have great ways for dealing with it now and I am constantly assured that I can live a normal life with it. And I believe this. I know it. But it does change things dramatically. Thanks to the heavy steroids I can now walk and dress myself again. I can sit on the toilet without having to let myself just kind of ... fall on to it. And the pain is very minimal nearly all of the time.

However, the drug that they treat it with is chemotherapy. Another very scary word to hear anytime in your life. It's not so bad. It's an oral dose that I take once a week and it only makes me feel sick for about two days. But ... I don't really have much of an appetite anymore. Hey! Maybe I can lose some of this weight I've put on just sitting around being sick the past few months. HA.

All joking aside though... this is really hard for me. It is scary. I am afraid that I won't live a normal life. That no one will want such a broken person. That I will be too much of a burden of my family and friends and FUTURE family. I feel alone a lot of the time, and scared and angry... and mostly just tired. Tired literally, and tired emotionally. It takes such a toll. On me, but also on my friends and ESPECIALLY my family (mainly my parents). they have been coming out here every couple of weeks taking turns helping me with doctors appointments and medicines while the other stays at all to take care of my younger brothers. Not to mention my sister who always seems to get over looked while all of her strange and sickly siblings need our parents attention. She doesn't act like it hurts her but I know it must.

I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I am no longer what you would call a "healthy" person. I am on chemo... walk funny whenever it rains and will probably have a histerechtomy (sp?) within the next couple of years. THINGS ARE NOT ALL BAD THOUGH! not at all. THis is manageable and I have the most wonderful support system. my parents are perfect. They do everything they can for me and each of their children. My siblings are wonderful. Mike is going through harder things than ANYONE should ever have to go through and yet he still calls ME to check on me. Eric is only 13 and he is my best medicine. He can always make me laugh. Lisa.... oh lisa. She and I have had the most complicated relationship known to man! ha. But through it all I never doubt that she cares for me and puts me and others before herself. What a hard thing it must be to be the "healthy child". It just means you don't get as much time devoted to you. And she has had her share of struggles. Ones that I pray I never have to face. But she always handles them with grace and beauty. I look up to her so much, especially in times like this... when life is hard. If anyone knows how to grin and bare it it is her. I hope she knows how much I love her.

my roommates. Oh my roommates. They aren't even roommates. They are as much my family as anyone on this earth. Emy and Nat have been through it all with me. Living with me. Listening to me cry at night, laughing with me at all of our crazy roommates that we've had over the years. And most of all taking care of me. they are the two people who take care of me everyday and I will be forever indebted to them.

But most of all, on a night like this when my knees hurt and my wrists hurt and I feel so sick to my stomach that I haven't eaten anything all day, I have to say to my Heavenly Father and also to my Savior, thankyou. thankyou. It is so worth it. because even though these things all seem hard now I know that they are small and that I am constantly being carried. They wouldn't let me walk if I wanted to right now. :) My Father in Heaven knows me so well. He knows all of us and He loves us and that makes everything else small. It makes everything simple.

These things are just little battles. We face them everyday... whether it is being caught in traffic... not having enough cash to pay the bills one month... scratching the side of your car up against your tiny tiny garage... starting chemotherapy. they are all small battle. little ones. Ones that we are not asked to go through alone.

I love praying over the little things... like help with a test, or help finding a shoe. I mean of course I pray for the big things too but how incredible is it that there is an ALMIGHTY BEING out there that controls the whole universe and yet is still willing and anxious to help me find my shoe. That is proof of real love.

Ok, this post is just all over the place. I know I have been rambling. But I just want to say that I am ready to start this new life. I am scared. I am nervous. I am excited for the good things that I know are coming in my future, and I love my God and His willingness to take care of me and put so many of His angels and miracles in my life every day. Don't overlook those small miracles. Don't overlook the angels god has placed in your path. Don't get blinded by the big scary things in life that really are just.... little battles.

So again, I say to my Heavenly Father, and to all who are in my life,

thank you. Thank you.

Public Displays of Affection

Ever since I was little my mom and dad have always surprised me with little notes of affection.

"I love you, Mom" on my napkins in my lunch, "sorry for what I said, you are beautiful, Dad." And they have always meant so much to me.

I think that these little notes and compliments are too few and far between in our world today. Even if it sounds cheesy, nothing is more satisfying than complimenting someone, let alone being complimented. I loveeee giving little notes to people.

Try it.

obsessions...

there is nothing more satisfying than plucking my eye brows at night...

... although... I am still a virgin.... so let's plan on that being better.

favorite song of the week

every song from this album (everybody) is wonderful.

SORT OF

Written by Ingrid Michaelson

Baby, you've got the sort of hands to rip me apart

And baby, you've got the sort of face to start this old heart

But your eyes are warning me this early morning

That my love's too big for you my love

Baby, you've got the sort of laugh that waters me

And makes me grow tall and strong and proud and flattens me

I find you stunning, but you are running me down

My love's too big for you my love

My love's too big for you my love

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no

And if I was stronger then I will leave this show

And if I was stronger then I would up and go

But here I am and here we go again

Baby, you've got the sort of eyes that tell me tales

That your sort of mouth just will not say, the truth impales

That you don't need me, but you won't leave me

My loves too big for you my love

My loves too big for you my love

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no

And if I was stronger then I will leave this show

And if I was stronger then I would up and go

But here I am and here we go again

Tell me what to do, to take away the you

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no.

And if I was stronger then I will leave this show

And if I was stronger then I would up and go

But here I am and here we go again